Sunday, June 16, 2013

'My current poison is Paxil! It makes me feel all dried up! I can't seem to cry anymore"

MS and Antidepressants are two peas in a pod. MS is not only a cause of depression, but the disease modifying drugs are as well. That is if one chooses to take them. Me, on hand prefers not to take the DMD's. I mean who wants to fuck up their livers by taking these drugs in the hope your disease--which is slow already--doesn't get worse. I don't. MS gives us enough shit to worry about.

But, I want to focus on one things today--depression. Depression and MS is a given. So most of us are forced to take an antidepressant. Myself--I have been battling depression for a long time and have tried several prescriptions. My current poison is Paxil. That's right I said poison. I have been doing great except one thing.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013


I wrote this about my MS diagnosis a few days ago:

The day before "D Day" I was on the edge. The anticipation of knowing whether I was sick or not was eating me alive. I was walking around the house like a zombie. The thoughts in my head were loud. I couldn't focus. I was trying to keep a smile on my face for my two-year daughter. Anxiety was building up to the point I felt breathless. My heart was pounding, my stomach was turning and yet kept my head up. That evening before I was diagnosed--I put my young daughter to bed first. Once she was asleep I went and took a hot shower. There I cried and was begging to the Lord. I didn't care if I was talking to myself out loud. This was a time in my life where I was really drawn to God. God has always been in my heart and in my mind, but on this occasion he was all I could think about.

The next day was another day filled with fear and anxiety. I felt in my heart that I was going to get bad news. But to try and remain optimistic I kept telling myself, " you're not a doctor--just wait until you see what the doctor says". I go to the doctors. The waiting in the waiting room was torture! I wanted to jump out of my seat and scream! I wanted to knock everyone out of my way to get ahead. But, I didn't. I sat there with an elephant on my chest. My name was called. I tell you--if I was in a marathon I would have won that race. I jumped up and was ready to get this over with. Then again--was I ready to hear those words? No. We go in the back and that's when I was hit with the shocking news. I felt as though I was run over by a freight train. The doctor tells me that I do indeed have Multiple Sclerosis. The tears instantly started to pour down my face. I couldn't control my crying. I was out of breath. That was the day I will never forget for as long as I live. I mourned over my health the first year. I still go through the terrible stages when you have lost someone or something to this very day. Acceptance, Anger, Sadness, Denial and Bargaining--it happens over and over again.